


Poppy Lovings: A Tale Told in One Act

by mellod89



Series: Things I wrote in high school and probably shouldn't post [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Madam Pomfrey is a high class prostitue, Multi, Screenplay/Script Format, Unexpected parings, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2396846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellod89/pseuds/mellod89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fred and George have been acting strange. Harry wants to know why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poppy Lovings: A Tale Told in One Act

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the second and final (I hope) installment in this series. I haven’t found anything else that was complete, so that’s a plus. Again, this is pure crack that I wrote in high school, you have been warned. You can blame Remmy for giving me the urge to post this stuff. This takes place in 5th year, thus the underage tag, and I wrote this before it was revealed that Dumbledore was gay. It’s written in script format so it’s not your typical fic. If you decide to use the script please give credit where credit is due and let me know. I doubt that anyone would want to use this script (except for me), but just in case. Now on with the show!

Act 1 Scene 1: Missing Fred and George

_Gryffindor Common room 11 am on a Saturday. Ron and Hermione are sitting on the couch in front of the fire place. Hermione is studying and Ron is reading a Quidditch magazine._

_Harry Enters_

Harry: Ron?

Ron: Yes, Harry?

Harry: Have you noticed anything strange going on with Fred and George?

Ron: They’re always strange.

Harry: I mean stranger than usual.

Ron: Like how?

Harry: They’ve been sneaking out.

Ron: Ok…That’s typical Fred and George, mate.

Harry: But they won’t tell me what they’re doing.

Ron: Why would they?

Harry: Cause they normally tell me about their pranks.

Ron: Maybe they’re going to prank you?

Hermione: Ron don’t be stupid.

Ron: I’m not being stupid, Mione. Harry’s being stupid.

Hermione: Fred and George wouldn’t prank the person giving them funds to make their products. It’s more likely that they’re seeing someone.

Harry: Then why wouldn’t they tell us?

Hermione: _(sighs)_ Maybe it’s forbidden love?

_Harry and Ron look at Hermione then each other._

Harry and Ron: Girls.

Harry: Anyway, it’s starting to worry me.

Hermione: They why don’t you go check your map to see where they’re going?

Harry: Hermione, you’re a genius. 

_Harry exits up the boy’s staircase to his room. Hermione and Ron return back to what they were doing. Harry returns with the map open running down the staircase._

Harry: You guys should look at this!

Ron: _(Not looking up from the magazine)_ Why?

_Harry pushes between them and sits on the couch setting the map on the table._

Harry: Just look.

Hermione: It looks like a whole bunch of students and professors standing in a line leaving the school grounds.

Harry: But why?

Ron: School function?

Hermione:  That doesn’t make any sense.  If it was a school function, everyone would know.

Ron: Then what else could it be?

Harry: Secret society?

Hermione: According to _Hogwarts: A History_ there’s never been one. This could be really serious.

Ron: Then it could be anything.

_Hermione looks at Ron pointedly then at Harry. Something clicks in Ron’s brain and they both look at Harry sympathetically._

 Harry: Why are you guys looking at me like that?

Hermione: Harry?

Harry: What?

Hermione: Who’s responsible for most of the suspicious things that go on at the school?

Harry: Fred and George?

Hermione: _(rolling her eyes)_ Voldemort.

Harry: Voldemort? But my scar’s not-.

Ron: Don’t worry, mate. We’ll take care of this like always.

Hermione: We should follow them to see where they’re going.

Harry: But I don’t think-

Ron: Yeah, and we should probably bring the cloak in case Death Eaters are lurking about.

Harry: _(sighing)_ Fine.

_All exit. Lights fade._

  
Act 1 scene 2: The Mysterious Line

_20 minutes later. Harry, Ron, Hermione arrive at Hogwarts entrance at the end of the line wearing the invisibility cloak._

Ron: Look at all these people! Voldemort must be responsible.

Hermione: They must be under the Imperious Curse! It has to be part of his plan to take over the world.

Harry: You guys I really don’t think-

Hermione: Harry stay here while Ron and I go see what’s at the front of the line.

Harry: But I don’t-

Ron: Great idea, Mione!

Harry: Wait!

_Hermione and Ron take the invisibility cloak with them and march in place as if they were walking away from Harry and the rest of the people in line walk backwards off stage. Behind them the scenery moves in the same direction as those that are walking in the line. They stop to listen to a conversation and discover that the line leads them to Hogsmeade._

Kingsly: You’ve never been?

Tonks: No one’s ever told me. I’m new to all of this anyway.

Kingsley: Moody and I go all the time. I’m surprised you didn’t find out sooner.

Tonks: It’s not like I have time to eavesdrop for my own personal reasons with all of the things that Dumbledore’s got us doing.

Kingsley: He probably didn’t want you to find out. More time for him to have his fun.

Tonks: You’re probably right. Old man has to get his jollies some way.

_Kingsley & Tonks continue walking forward leaving Ron & Hermione horrified. _

Ron: Dumbledore’s involved too!

Hermione: It’s worse than I thought. They’ve infiltrated the Order.

Ron: Don’t worry, Mione. We’ll find a way to stop them.

_They exit as the line moves forward. As the line moves the scenery moves in the same direction as we go back to the end of the line where Harry is. Since Hermione and Ron have left Harry more people have joined the line behind him. Harry over hears a couple in front of him talking._

Bellatrix: But why must we come here?! It’s full of mudbloods!

Voldemort: Shhh! Do you want to blow our cover! Besides she’s the best in her field.

Bellatrix: But my Lord that’s why you have me!

Voldemort: Bellatrix do you want me to crucio you in public?

Bellatrix: No, my Lord.

Harry: ( _mouths silently)_ Voldemort!

_Bellatrix and Voldemort move forward in line, and Harry tries to follow them, but trips and runs into someone._

Draco: Watch where you’re going! This cloak is made of-Potter!

Harry: _(Drawing his wand)_ Malfoy!

Draco: _(Drawing his wand)_ How dare you touch me with your filthy muggle loving hands! Now I’m going to have to burn my clothes.

Harry: You should burn your face too while you’re at it ferret!  

Severus: Would the both of you be quiet.  Some people would like to wait in line in silence.

Harry & Draco: Professor Snape?!

Severus: What are the two of you doing off of school grounds on a non-Hogsmeade weekend? I expect it from Potter, but you Mr. Malfoy?

_(Enter Lucius & Narcissa)_

Lucius: Did someone call me?

Draco: Father? What are you doing here? Does Mother know?

Narcissa: Of course I know, Poppet. I’m the one who suggested we come.

Draco: Mummy?

Bellatrix: Cissy!? I didn’t think I’d see you here. Don’t you normally come on Thursday s?

Narcissa: We do, but we had an emergency on Thursday and had to reschedule. _(whispers)_ Lucius couldn’t find his favorite vibrating cock ring. You know how attached he is to that thing. We spent the past few days looking for it.

Bellatrix: That’s horrible. Just last week our Lord couldn’t find his favorite riding crop, and he threw a fit when I suggested that we use the whip instead.

Draco: I’m not hearing this.

Narcissa: Of course you are dear. There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s completely natural. How else did you think you got here? Anyway, Bella, did you hear that rates have gone up on dragon hide whips?

_Exit Narcissa, Lucius, Bellatrix, & Voldemort._

Harry: Malfoy your family is weird. _(Silence)_  So, do you know what’s going on?

Draco: You mean you don’t know?

Harry: No.

Draco: So you’ve been standing in a line for nearly half an hour, but you don’t know why?

Harry: No. _(pause)_  Will you tell me?

 Draco: Not on your life.

_Lights fade._

 

Act 1 Scene 3: Mass confusion

_It’s been an hour since they’ve been waiting in line. Hermione & Ron are now near the entrance. _

Hermione: Luna?! Not you too! We have to get out of here. Voldemort could turn up any minute.

Luna: Of course he’s here. I saw him go in a little while ago.

Ron: Then you know it’s not safe here.

Luna: Of course it’s safe unless you get surrounded by wrakspurts. Then you could wind up with genital warts.

Hermione: What are you talking about? This line leads to some sort of Death Eater Camp! We need to leave before we get caught!

Luna: This line doesn’t lead to a Death Eater camp. It leads into the Three Broomsticks.  But I wouldn’t follow the line of cloaked men. That leads to a public toilet. There’s not telling what’s in there.

Ron: If Voldemort isn’t in charge then who is?

Luna: Madam Pomfrey. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe it’s my turn to go in. Bye Ron, Hermione.

Hermione: That was strange.

Ron: It was Loony. Anything involving her is strange.

Hermione: But if this isn’t part of Voldemort’s plan to take over the world, then what is this line for?

Ron: Free medical care?

Hermione: This is going to take more time than I thought.

_Lights fade._

 

Act 1 Scene 4: The waiting continues

_Harry & Draco have made it half way to the Three Broomsticks. _

Harry: _(Fidgeting)_ So why are you still in line?

_Silence_

Harry: Malfoy?

Draco: Oh. You’re talking to me? I didn’t notice.

Harry: Come on Malfoy. Who else do I know in this line?

Draco: Well, there are my parents, Professor Snape, Auntie Bella, Uncle Tom, and various others we have yet to see.

Harry: Uncle Tom?

Draco: Well it’s better than “Ugly snake man that sleeps with my Aunt.”

Harry: Ok. _(Pause)_ So are you going to answer my question?

Draco: _(whines)_ Do I have to?

Harry: Are you whining?

Draco: Malfoys don’t whine, Potter.  And if you really want to know _(sighs and says in a rush running the words together)_ I’m a virgin and I heard that Madame Pomfrey gives lessons on proper sexual education.

Harry: What? I couldn’t understand you.

Draco:I’m a virgin and I heard that Madame Pomfrey gives lessons on proper sexual education.  Happy now?

Harry: Oh. _(Pause)_ So what about Parkinson? The way she makes it sound the two of you go at it all the time.

Draco: I told her to say that. I have a reputation to uphold.

_(Pause)_

Harry: So Madam Pomfrey teaches sex ed?

Draco: Amongst other things apparently.

Harry: Don’t pout. It’s not becoming of a Malfoy. Besides at least you know that your parents have a healthy sex life.

_Enter Lucius & Narcissa_

Draco: I don’t want to know anything about my parent’s sex life!

Lucius: Stop whining Draco or do I have to remind you of Malfoy Code of Conduct Rule #373?

Draco: No father.

Narcissa: Cheer up, Poppet. It’s not that bad. Now, when you see Poppy, don’t be nervous.  She’s the best in the business. I recommend the First Timers package seeing as my little Dragon has yet to delve into the wonders of intercourse.

Draco: Mother!

Narcissa: Oh hush! It’s only natural. Now, your father and I are going now. Be a good boy for Poppy, love, and I’ll see you at Christmas

_Lucius & Narcissa enter Three Broomsticks as Colin exits._

Draco: I hate when she does that.

Harry: I’m beginning to like it.

Colin: _(Holding his wand to his throat)_ Sonorus. May I have everyone’s attention please? Thank You. Poppy Lovings is now only seeing couples. If you didn’t arrive as a couple and still wish to be seen, I suggest you pair up. If you do not wish to pair up, please come another day. Thank you. Finite.

Harry: This is not normal. Colin Creevey? Madam Pomfrey?

Draco: Please! She’s with Dumbledore if you must know. Creevey’s only here to take commemorative photos. Stupid, Potter.

Harry: Oh. _(pause)_ Malfoy pair up with me.

Draco: What?! I don’t want to share my first time with you. Find someone else.

Harry: But I don’t know anyone else.

Draco: Sounds like a personal problem to me. Now go bother someone else. I need to find someone suitable.

Harry: Fine then.

_Harry turns around to see who is in line behind him when he notices a familiar face._

Harry: Padfoot?

Sirius: Harry?

Severus: Ah! It appears that the mutt has been let out to play.

Sirius: Shut it Snivilus. Harry what are you doing here?

Harry: I could ask you the same thing.

Sirius: A guy’s got to get out sometime.

Harry: I really didn’t need to hear that.

Sirius: Have you found a partner yet?

Harry: No. I asked Malfoy, but he refused.

Draco: Maybe if you asked me nicely instead of demanded it, I would have said yes.

Harry: Malfoy, would you please pair up with me?

Draco: I have to think about it.

Harry: Oh come on! What do you want from me?

Draco: Look it’s my first time ok? I just don’t want to be rushed into picking someone now then later come to regret it.

Sirius: Aw. He wants it to be special.

Harry: Leave him alone Padfoot! Malfoy, if it will make you feel any better, this will be my first time too.

Draco: So you and Chang haven’t…?

Harry: All we did was kiss and it wasn’t that great anyway. So will you pair up with me?

Draco: Ok.

Harry: Great.

Draco: But if you hurt me or tell anyone about this I will kill you.

Severus: Great. Now that that touching moment is over can we get on with our lives?

Sirius: Oh leave them alone Snivilus. It’s not their fault that no one would willingly touch you without expecting payment.

Vernon: I would!

Harry: Uncle Vernon?

_Lights fade._

Act 1 Scene 5: Inside the Three Broomsticks

_Ron and Hermione are sitting at a discreet table within view of the front door and the door to the back room, watching as patrons come and go._

Ron: I still don’t understand what is going on. I mean couples have been going in and out of the back room since we’ve been in here.

Hermione: And somehow Madam Pomfrey is at the center of it.

_Voldemort and Bellatrix enter rushing from the back room._

Ron: I still think she’s giving out free medical care.

Bellatrix: My Lord! Wait! It’s nothing to be ashamed of! It could happen to anyone!

_They exit._

Hermione: Do you think that she would give them free medical care?

Ron: Well she could.

Hermione: Use your brain Ronald. Why would she give anyone but students, faculty, and Order members free medical care?

Ron: Because it’s not free?

_Enter Umbridge and Mr. Filch._

Hermione: Because she’s under the Imperious Curse! We have to save her. Who knows who else she’s been forced to see.

Filch: Don’t tell Mrs. Noris. She’ll kill me.

Umbridge: What the Minister doesn’t know won’t kill him.

_They enter the back room._

Ron: We have to get help! We have to save her from Voldemort’s evil plan.

Hermione: We have to go get Harry!

_They get up and exit to go look for Harry not realizing that he and Draco enter._

Harry: Are you ready?

_Enter Colin._

Draco: As I’ll ever be.

Colin: The Madam is ready to see you now.

_He leads them through the door to the back room where there is a hallway and a series of rooms. Moans and cries of pain and pleasure can be heard coming from the various rooms._

Colin: Here is your room. Have fun!

_He exits, winks, then slaps Harry’s ass. They open the door to find Poppy lying in the middle of a large four poster bed wearing pink lingerie._

Poppy: Welcome boys. Come in and get comfortable.

_They shuffle in and close the door unsure of what to do._

Poppy: Don’t be scared I won’t bite unless you ask me too.

Harry: We’re just nervous. It’s our first time. _(They clasp hands)_

Draco: Mother suggested that we ask for the first timers package?

Poppy: Ah yes! That’s perfect for the both of you.

Harry: What exactly does that include?

Poppy: It’s 45 minutes of lecture and 45 minutes of practical application.

Draco: How much is it?

Poppy: 50 galleons each, which is a steal if I might add. We’re having a sale.

Draco: Do you still want to do this?

Harry: Yeah. Do you?

Draco: Yes.

Poppy: That’s settled then. Do you want to pay now or would you like me to bill your accounts?

Draco: Bill my account for the full amount.

Harry: You don’t have to.

Draco: Just think of it as a thank you gift.

Poppy: Is everything settled?

Draco & Harry: Yes.

Poppy: Alright. Now Mr. Malfoy, I’m going to need you to sign this to verify the withdrawal from your account and I need both of you to sign this stating that you are both willing participants and doing this at your own risk.

_They sign the paperwork and return it to her. She sets it a side and pulls out charts and graphs._

Poppy: Lovely, now that that is taken care of, sex is…

_Lights fade out._

Act 1 Scene 6: The deed is done

_One and a half hours later in a backroom in the Three Broomsticks. All three of them are under the covers looking very disheveled and apparently naked._

Harry: Wow... that was…Wow. Can we be on a first name basis now?

Draco: Sure…Harry.

_They kiss. Dumbledore enters._

Dumbledore: Sorry to interrupt the fun boys, but it’s time to go. She needs her rest, and I need a cuddle if you know what I mean.

Harry: _(Horrified)_ Professor?!

Draco: Right away, sir. Can you hand us our clothes?

_Dumbledore summons their clothes and hands them to Draco._

Harry: Draco?!

Dumbledore: Here you are Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Potter you should close your mouth and stop staring. It’s rude.

Poppy: You can expect your receipt by the end of the night. Now shoo! I need some personal time with my lover.

_Dumbledore strips while kissing Poppy. Harry & Draco grab their clothes and exit into the hall slamming the door behind them. Lights fade. _

Act 1 Scene 7 Finding Fred and George

_Harry and Draco leave the Three Broomsticks fully clothed hand in hand. Ron and Hermione enter just as Harry & Draco try to exit the stage returning to school._

Hermione: Harry James Potter, where have you been?! We have been looking all over for you. You had used worried sick! Why is Malfoy holding your hand?

Harry: His name is Draco, and you will address him as such. Don’t like it? That’s your problem. Coming love?

Draco: Certainly, darling.

_They exit towards Hogwarts._

Ron: But that’s… and he’s…What in the bloody hell happened in the last 4 hours?

Hermione: I’m not sure, Ron, but something isn’t right at the Three Broomsticks.

_They both look from the Three Broomsticks to where Harry & Draco exited. Fred & George enter._

Hermione: Look, Ron! Fred and George! Maybe they’ll be able to explain.

Ron: Oi!  Fred! George! We’ve been looking all over for you!

Fred: And why would that be

George: Dear brother?

Hermione: You wouldn’t happen to know what’s going on with Madam Pomfrey and the Three Broomsticks would you?

_They look at each other._

Fred: Are you sure

George: You want to know?

Hermione & Ron: Yes!

_Fred & George book end Hermione & Ron wrapping their arms around their shoulders leading them back into the Three Broomsticks._

Fred: We have

George: so much

Fred & George: to tell you.

_They enter Three Broomsticks. Lights fade to black._

The End


End file.
